29 Things I Learned From The World Cup


By David Postic

 

2014 World Cup


 

As we draw near to the end of the year’s greatest sporting event, I would like to get a few things off my chest. First of all: I know next to nothing about soccer (or fútbol, for those of you who actually know things about soccer). I played it for years growing up, but there were way fewer rules and the game mostly consisted of us kids running around in a pack, waiting until halftime so we could have Capri Sun and Fruit Gushers. This is not the soccer I’ve seen in the World Cup. So on behalf of all the non-soccer fans out there, here are my observations:

1. There isn’t as much head butting as I was led to believe.

2. However, there is more biting than I was led to believe.

3. It is apparently mandatory for most soccer players to have the Macklemore haircut.

4. The amount of gel in your hair is directly proportional to how good you are.

5. Bonus points for having a shape and/or words shaved into your hair.

6. Penalty kicks are the worst thing in the history of the world.

7. Soccer announcers are glorious human beings.

8. The most random countries are really good at soccer.

9. For example: Bosnia-Herzegovina? Chile? Croatia? Gondor? Narnia?

10. America is not really good at soccer.

11. American fans are pretty good at being soccer fans, though.

12. Soccer fans are generally insane.

13. Teddy Roosevelt is a soccer fan.

14. Ergo, Teddy Roosevelt is insane (also dead).

15. Stoppage time is dumb. We have technology. Just stop the clock.

16. I have seen way fewer bicycle kicks (0) than I expected (every single kick).

17. Brazil seems super upset right now.

18. Germany scored 7 goals in 90 minutes.

19. That’s a rate of 1 goal every 13 minutes.

20. Argentina and Belgium combined for 0 goals in 120 minutes.

21. That’s a rate of 0 goals every infinity minutes.

22. I can score 0 goals every infinity minutes.

23. Watching someone score a goal is one of the most exciting parts of my life.

24. Soccer players are really nice to each other.

25. Except when they’re biting each other.

26. Not having commercials is by far the biggest draw of watching soccer matches.

27. I still don’t get what constitutes offsides.

28. I also don’t get why Pitbull was chosen to sing the official 2014 World Cup theme song.

29. I miss the 2010 World Cup theme song.

And those are my thoughts on soccer.

After watching literally days of World Cup soccer, I can honestly say that I still barely have any idea what’s going on. But I am learning. More importantly, the game is really growing on me. The world’s most popular sport has this inexplicable charm to it that makes it a joy to watch. And on those rare occasions (other than the Germany-Brazil match) where someone actually scores a goal, I find myself yelping with joy. It is a wonderful, wonderful game. And I will thoroughly miss it for the next four years until America cares about it again.

See this post on BuzzFeed.

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David Postic is a second-year law student at the University of Oklahoma.

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6 thoughts on “29 Things I Learned From The World Cup

  1. It has definitely been an exceptional world cup. Not only did Portugal and Italy fall out early but USA managed surprisingly far. If that would increase the Americans interest in the sport, it would be a pleasure to see them succeed as well in the future World Cups.

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    • I agree. As disappointing as it is for me (as an American) that the U.S. lost in the knockout stage, I sort of loved that we weren’t the preeminent favorite in this competition. We get to be the underdog. We get to claw and scrape our way and earn respect. It’s an even playing field. I truly love that about the sport.

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      • Ah, it’s healthy sometimes to lose. I’d say you stll gained respect despite being an underdog. But as long as the team wears collars, you may appear to be snobs. I hope your sponsors will fix that for the next cup and the public might be more in your favour.

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      • I’ll pass that on to the national team 🙂 I just enjoyed watching a ton of soccer for the first time. Definitely a fan now.

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